What actually happens within a person when someone who is a friend suddenly becomes more than that to you? What is the actual chemical reaction that changes everything? Is there a specific emotion that arises, seemingly, unbidden that engulfs and overwhelms? I am without a defense against how I feel about someone who began as simply an acquaintance. How can this be?
Is it that he and I have similar interests? Yes, that is part of it. Can it be he sees something in me that I’ve always hoped someone would finally see? Yes. The attention given to my very lonely life fills me. When desire takes over it is intoxicating. Clear thinking becomes irrational. The cautionary tales from others are barely heard. There seems to be no one and nothing else to think and feel about. Is this my very addictive personality running amuck? Perhaps, it is. Yet, no other choice seems to be speaking to me other than, “Say yes.”
Desire is defined in the Merriam-Webster Dictionary as, “To long or hope for; to express a wish for; to feel the loss of.” I feel all of those things now. But, what if the desire is all wrong? Why is everything complicated? With chaos and drama around every turn, I find no easy path to him. So, when in the moment of a decision to be made, I told him, “No.” Of course, I did. Because he’s married? Yes, that is the most important reason right now. Desire must be able to see that, right?
Yet, desire carries with it no reason. Shakespeare called it, “Affairs of the heart,” for its own reason. Desire also says to the people involved, “This might be your last chance.” I am now listening to that message playing out in a continuous loop every day, all day long. And it might very well be my last chance.
Living with the impact of my own desires coming first over the lives of a family, I can’t do. When all of my being is overflowing with desire to the point of no return, I want to tell him, “Please stay.” I will try my best to remain calm, push everything pulsing with desire to the farthest reaches of the strongest steel locked box within me. I hear myself say, “Take care of yourself and your family first.”
Debra Whittam is the author of “I'm I Going to be Ok?" For any media inquiries or questions please contact: Contact@DebraWhittam.com