Every adventure must begin in farewell. I think of the adventures I’ve had in my 59 years of life. I see, at once, I’ve experienced wildness within myself from my very beginnings.
Once I began climbing out of the crib, I had no idea my adventures had created a farewell – but they had. One big fall down the outside steps at a time. My memories are nothing more than short instamatic camera moments – however my body has a knowing. From my earliest of days, they have created something familiar within me. There’s an inner life I have that’s filled with a life I knew in the beginning of me – there’s no letting go of that.
Step-by-step, I ventured from that authentic, wild self as kindergarten gave way to all other growth of mind, body, and spirit. How would I, indeed, how would any of us know how to live those early years? I was attempting to act mature and ready for it all, even in the times that were far from authentic. I was more like someone else than myself. But, if I wasn’t me, then who was I?
With each year of learning and growing older, the further disconnected I became from what I was seeking and yearning. Comparing my inner self to those around me, I wanted peace and joy. Just a few years out of my high school home, I flailed and fooled about. Completely severed from anyone familiar, my pain became intolerable. Attempting to force people to love me, I kept pretending as if in a movie script. With each personal connection, I lost more and more of the thread bare self of early adventures. However, each adventure…those begun from a farewell…sent me to a place for which I longed. However, each place was foreign and empty. Where was a familiar in any of those adventures of my many years? The only familiar, all along, was me.
How would I know, as the alchemist realized, I was on an adventure to my earliest of me? From there, I would find pure love – pure joy.Any other love – any other belonging would pale in comparison to that true love. For me to love as purely as I live my years evades me. Are these mistakes I’ve made with the many others? Is it shameful seeking?
On what and whom could I depend? On what quest could I give fully and completely of myself with pure, authentic knowing? What pure love awaits me still? Is it only of God and not of man where I will adventure? How can I accept and live pure love on my own?
No mistakes have I made. Not one. Each love, each loss, each adventure, each farewell has brought me to this moment. I’ve come from love – a love that rejoiced and suffered on this earth. I bring that forth - with an unknown knowing where fear cannot reside. How wonderful this all is!